I don't think I have ever had a reason to write anything like this before until now. To understand this post you'll probably want to head over to superlatively rude and read Laura's, it's amazing and you won't regret it. Laura Williams you are a star and this is my letter to you;
Oh Laura, I feel like all my e-mails to you start like this. You don't mind right?
I totally get how you feel in your post Unrequited Love, in fact it was because of your amazing ability to write and connect that I wrote my own few posts under the title The Heart Monologues. It was hard and I was scared, but seeing as I'm not a "well known" or have a big following - no one commented, no one judged and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. So firstly, I want to thank you for that, secondly I want to tell you about my HUGE accomplishment with my best friend/love of my life/I now dislike him.
Being 22, and the youngest of three siblings, I still feel like a baby. I do not have an expert knowledge or massive amounts of life experience but I do feel proud when I look back on my memories of my very own Mr Big. Although, now I'm with someone who genuinely loves me for me I am starting to think my best friend was Mr Small. He's definitely been replaced. I'm getting ahead of myself now, lets start from the beginning;
I was a typical outcast trying to make friends. My oldest and probably most genuine friend had introduced me to a group she had been hanging around in and me, being the protective, nosey and curious person I am, jumped at the chance to help one of them when they told me they liked someone who was in fact already in a relationship. We all went out one night when we were 17, and I was the "distract the girlfriend" decoy. Looking back on it now - it was such a dumb thing to do, but my friend liked him, I didn't know the girlfriend and tbh I'd probably never see them again.
It transpired that Mr Small and I grew to be very good friends and even arranged to go to University together. I ended up falling madly in love with him and wishing he felt the same, he told me he did, then picked another lady - who btw was extremely vile to me. We didn't speak for two months and then we saw each other one night and he cried, telling me he made a huge mistake and that he loved me. Of course I believed him, so on the night my parents went away to the Grand Prix or Barcelona, whichever one, I decided to stay a few nights with him. They were the best, when I was in denial. Doubt set in and after two magical weeks he said he'd found the one. That one wasn't me, it was her. We didn't speak again, apparently she wouldn't let him have friends. Yes, I agreed we would be friends. I was good for him, but he was extremely bad for me.
I think they were together for two years, they've got a little boy. He had a spell in hospital where he had fluid on his brain and lost his memory - he tells me he didn't forget me. I went to see him one night after the gym and he showed me a tattoo he has in her honour, it made me laugh because it was the same lyric he had used for the last girl he loved (who wasn't me). (I know I'm literally the stupidest girl in the world). He contacted me a few times, usually after they had fights, and I was talk to him, coach him, and tell him what a fucking idiot he is, and then he would go back to her and we wouldn't speak until he contacted me again.
Now, he's left her. He hasn't changed a bit. I still love him, I guess, but I don't need him like I used to think I did. I don't love him the same way I did either, I think I just have residual feelings left because I once loved him more than anything, and now I don't. I thought he was my one, but he was my one in between my one. I used to gravitate to boys who would treat me like crap and stay away from the ones who loved me. Those two years we didn't speak were the making of me. I grew up and understood what love was, is, and now I am proud of myself for taking a chance and picking a man who loves me for me. He doesn't care if I don't feel my best, if I look a mess, if I have too many health problems. He loves me and continues to surprise me at every turn. When I think he's going to leave if I tell him something he just tell me I am a fool, that he loves me and hold me until I stop trying to pull away.
He is my one, and I ain't letting that go.
I guess what I'm trying to say to you in all this Laura, is that you just wrote #BookoftheBrave and you need to be reminded that YOU ARE BRAVE. Love is scary and one day you'll find the man who is for you. I thought I was going to find him at 14 like my brother but it wasn't until I turned 22. You might be 32 when you find him, but you will find him. He's out there, and in the mean time you have your Tribe for support.
You are not pathetic for posting your feelings, you're a strong lady who inspires everyone who has the pleasure of reading your writing. In fact here you go again inspiring me to write. I was going to send this as an email but you know what it's so much better as a blog post. Lifestyle is going to be one of three things I focus on when I rebrand my blog. (It's a slow process due to 12 hour work days).
Laura I want you to believe in yourself, not because we do, not because you have your tribe but because you are amazing. You need to write down a list of everything you’ve achieved and revel in it because you deserve it.
Keep asking questions, keep giving answers and keep writing. I can’t wait to read The Book.
Love Rhianne
Find Laura Here:
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